So … I’m sitting on the train, top shelf of a two “story” train. It’s the end of the day and I’m waiting for the train to move out of Union Station so I can go home.
Someone sits next me. Ugh.
Well, if they’re going to sit next to me, I’m going to invade their bubble with my prying eyes. I know it’s unethical, but people do it to me; apparently my monitor is also their monitor.
Anyways, what do I spy with my sneaky eyes? A single, 8.5 x 11 sheet of paper in their hands. It still has the creases from folding the paper in half, in half again, and in half one more time so as to fit it into their pocket.
Poor woman. Must have been her first day. I thought I could tell by her posture and utter lack of energy. Of course, this behavior could be indicative of someone suffering from repetitive boredom syndrome. But, nope. It was her first day. Sure of it.
I’m sure of it because of this paper she is holding. You see, like many other papers you have seen, this paper had words on it. These words were arranged into something we affectionately call a list. What’s so different about this paper from other papers are the words at the very top, which read Top 10 Rules for Working in Cubicles.
Oh my goodness!, I screamed loudly in my head.
You can NOT be serious!, came thundering into my mouth only to be quenched back.
Some lame individual did not come up with 10 “rules” for people to work together in a cubicled environment, right?
Someone actually thought this was a GOOD idea?, says I to me.
What list oriented, organizationally uptight, anal retentive, rigid individual with abandonment related control issues believed this would solve inter-personal conflicts amongst co-workers?, again I thought.
I want to turn away, buuutttt … yeah, I’m still curious. How inhumane is this Corporation X? Peering with my peripherally acute right eye, I could skim only five of the headlines:
- “Have good scents” - something about not wearing too much perfume
- “Hit the right tune” - try not to play your music too loud? Okay, DUH!
- “Ask before borrowing” - what grade is this?
- “Curb casual conversation” - or [shut-up and work you underpaid chimps]
- “Be a courteous guest”, “knock before entering” - it’s a f*&$ing cubicle for crying out loud. Knock on what? Ugh, excuse me. I knocked on your imaginary friggin’ door and you did not answer! So I decided to come in. Okay?
Blood pressure rising thanks to the coffee I had just before leaving.
Yet, I felt bad for her. She must be taking this job for there are no others for her. It’s highly likely this was temporary work and I feel even sorrier then. My wife did temp work for some time and she relayed to me on not just one occasion how mind numbingly retarded some of the work is.
I really find it absolutely soul-crushing to work in a cubicled environment. I did it when I inadvertently worked for United Airlines. Not only do cubicles suck in terms of nurturing social relations, they breed a culture of separation. ”What’s mine is mine and what’s yours is not mine so don’t even think of bringing that over here”, kind of stuff.
10 Rules for Happy Work Life
Not wanting to leave it alone, I had to come up with my own list of 10 things all humans should strive for in the workplace. I didn’t do it on the spot and give them to her. No no; I’m not that smart. Though I did start the template for this post.
Basically, remember these 10 things and also that there is no guarantee of happiness here, but you certainly can do much worse from this point.
1. We’re all human
So act like it. Unless you’re working with robots, you’re working with people. This also works in reverse; if you want a robot, don’t hire a human. Humans are fallible. Having any other expectation makes you the idiot, not them.
2. Grow up
We’re also all adults, so we should all treat each other like such. Guidelines for behaving in groups are insulting.
And if you’re working with us Generation X’ers (Gen-X) you must remember that we are anti-establishment to the core (most of us, anyways) and value individualism. Treating adults like children will cause headaches for you when the Gen-X’ers do the exact opposite of what you want - just on sheer principle.
3. Trust others
You have to trust others or you’ll go insane. You can’t do it all yourself. If you don’t trust anyone around you, find a new job or get a shrink on retainer.
4. Unless your building heart monitors, you’re not building heart monitors
So chill out! Acknowledgements to Gabe Gironda
5. Ever heard of a benevolent dictator?
Everyone has an agenda. Everyone knows everyone has an agenda. Forcing your agenda on others because you think you are in a position of authority will always never work.
Remember the Gen-X thing.
6. Cheesy phrases make we want to ignore you
Like “Have good scents”. You put that on letter-head and be serious about it and I will no longer think what you say has any merit. The point of your rules is for me to not ignore them. If you want to appeal to my sensibility, use open dialogue. Appeal to my intelligence.
7. People over process
Yeah, it’s stolen from the Agile Manifesto, but i don’t care. Processes only exist because of people.
I think therefore I am
I am people therefore I process
It makes sense. Abandon process when it appears it is detrimental to the people. The musicians on Titanic still died; no matter how noble.
8. No cubicles
Get rid of those cubicles. Do not join a company that has them. If you are already there, tear those cubicles down. Dismantle them and let the company try and fire you.
This isn’t just Office Space, a co-worker and I actually did it at United; and yes, we still work together at our new job; and no, they didn’t fire us.
You see, we sat next to each other, but were separated by a cube wall, a window and wall behind us, and a sea of cubes in front of us. In order to talk face-to-face, either we stood on our chairs or we had to walk around the cubicle peninsula.
One day we said, I wish this wall was not here. The importance of the word wall in that statement cannot be under-emphasized. What did we do? Well, we literally took the wall apart. It took 10 minutes and at the end of it we had a portal into each other’s cube. The sense of liberation on my part was overwhelming. I did not fret for one moment the repercussions.
The time saved was enormous and in time, the rest of the company took advantage of this causeway; this gateway to freedom. By this I mean the other employees actually used this portal to move across the space. What this means is that socialization happened. Take down a wall and people communicate.
At my current job, we set up our development space with what we call “dogbones”. Thing of an elongated conference table with ends that make the table look like a cartoonish dog bone. We have four of them in our space and they seat anywhere from 6 to 8 people. Everyone faces inward towards each other and sits directly next to someone.
No walls. No impedance. We’re people, damn it, and we’re acting like it.
Ugh … where are the other two? You said 10!
So what. Sue me. I said 10 and came up with 8. Maybe that’s all we need. See item #7 if you still have questions.
